Saw a priceless job ad today.

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Correspondence Manager
The job includes sending, receiving and printing all incoming and outgoing emails. Preparing and sending Reminders, updating databases, downloading patents/articles and scanning documents. Mother tongue "English" required.

Found a flat. Life is getting more and more expensive here in T.A., and Gush Dan in general. Soon I won't be able to even pay for the damn flat. But then again, we've moved up from one room to almost three, and a fine roof to leave the dogs there when we're not home. Like our own yard. Hope it'll be alright. I end up owing people more and more money, and I hate that. Will start puting money aside from next month, to take care of it. Damn, do I suck.

Heh, now just pack and move.

I should really stop doing this to myself. Either going to larp games, or expecting anything from them rather than seeing people I remotely like.

Although, I enjoy what I get, and try my best not to ruin it for everyone else. But it's really not the same as it used to be, or as small room or online rpg are. It's probably me. Now I'm not even sure I ever grasped how to actually rp in these huge gatherings. It's all rather pointless, and my willpower is not strong enough to imagine a world and sink into it, with so many obstacles around and no strong rpg partner. And yet I still go, and not have fun, and swear to myself I won't do it, and then go again. And I know what it is about it that I like. But does it worth not feeling good about myself for not trying enough? And I really don't even try. I give it a go, and then it doesn't work and I'm acting again instead of rping, and I hate that.

A very lame day, and a fine, fine evening. So perfect in it's calm nothing, so.. right.

And a lovely morning too. What will be of the constantly depressed me if it continues to be like this? Oh, noes. I will be kicked out of the emo club. ;_;

I just need to see people more often. Go out. See that life is. Or maybe it's the fact that the dreadful draught that passes for summer around here is about to be over. Rain isn't here yet, but I already feel it in the air. Here come several month of happiness, until it's the s thing again.

And no traffic jam either, today. Got to work in no time.

Even the flat search and money problems can't bring me down today.

I do wonder when was it that I started being afraid of being alone. Never was as a child. Or was it that I never actually was left alone? There was always someone in the house, grandma, or mom, or.. Well, someone. Yes, that's right. I just was alone a couple of times during teenage years, when mom was off to somewhere, I can't really remember where, and yes, I was dreadfully afraid then. Not that I recall much of that time. My memory sucks, really. And not too well, either.

And now, mom is dead, and I couldn't possibly not have another person sharing a house with me, because right now, elf's not home, and I just finished an excellent book, the dogs are all warm and cuddly, and as I stopped reading, I had the piercing fear of loneliness. Not the first time, too. When I'm alone, sometimes I fear death, sometimes just get the creeps grasping my heart for no good reason. So I ran over to the computer. Somehow, internet helps. Internet is a swarm of people somewhere out there, and I can feel them, when I sit in front of the computer. It's relaxing, reassuring me of the world's existence. So I'm not as self sufficient as I thought I was. Who cares. I'm just afraid that old age will come, and I will be left alone, all alone. And even the internet will be gone, because who knows what it will change into in 40-50 years, and will I be able to adjust, will I have my connection to the world wide web. It really is. And I love it.

music is our link to the universe, you know.

Sweet crawling sweet voices do it for me and it doesn't matter the words.

I am a tiny bit drunk, and for that, a whole lot thoughtful. Life is dragging on, and that is not good. I wish I could be someone else for a year, leave the whole struggle for flat and life and study, and just.. Relax. Never done that in my entire life. Never done soft drugs, never gone to parties, almost never just chilled out at bars. Not to say it's been a bad life, but I sometimes miss what I missed and want what I can't get. Because I'm not like that. I have friends, flat, job, life, another, different way of life, and I'm just a bit drunk now, a sweet tasty cocktail it was, all.. green. Doesn't matter. I will wake up tomorrow with life making sense again.

I'm in the bus now, the world passing me by, a huge different vague world, all.. i'm losing words. Should stop now, and just post it, because I probably make no sense anyway.

Girls, 13-15, some are so beautiful, in that special teenage way, that I can't help but stare, taking that beauty in, want to draw and know I have no time or chance. And wonder if they realize just how painfully gorgeous they are. Never seen an adult woman as beautiful. No wonder in the old days it was the age of marriage. Boys, on the other hand, are awkward at that age, and all the more for being next to the girls. I was 13 too once, but well, you can't appreciate yourself at that age, and just as now, I lacked any sense of style. Will I look back in ten years time, and say, girls of 25 are...

It's not about how it really is, it's all about how you feel it.

Heh. Life sort of sucks in a mildly unhorrible way. My neck is all cramped and hurts like hell. Ok, maybe a bit less today, but still, hurts. And yesterday I was all turning my head to the right and getting nauseous, then fighting it down, and then forgetting about it, and turning head to the right again. Cause I sit at the left side of the room. Go figure.

Ever tried to explain that to your boss? As in, I do less work cause my neck hurts like a bitch, and I.. Kindergarden. I'm a grown woman (ok, not, but boss won't understand that). So I didn't even try. Heh, I hate to see him stress over something I do, or don't do. Men with puppy eyes really hit a soft spot inside me. Well, in his case is more like crazed chihuahua eyes, but still, puppy. Poor guy, the work is just overly stressful. I hope he doesn't really feel the way he looks. Not liking your boss, I think, is a common thing among working people. But I do. I mean, I hated every boss I had so far, and the last one still give me nightmares. (Why is that pen there?! o_O) This one is a charm. I just want to make him less stressful over us, and how can I do that if my neck hurts like hell?

And we are going on this amateur horse trip course this weekend. Hope neck is better by then. Heh.

The other way life sucks is in my computer at home being veery veeeery slooooow. Ok, it was infected by trojans, and it could use more memory, but I cleaned that, and heck, why does firefox now take 60 instead of 40, like a week ago. I so need a new computer. Right. Dream on. With me starting to study I'll barely have moneys to live.

Mornings and me just don't go together. Sleep. O_O

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